How To Give Up Smoking

Smoking. The gentle, luxurious intake of the smoke from a burning plant of the variety Nicotiana tabcum, one of the family N.O. Solanaceæ. First introduced into England by Sir Francis Drake, but prior to this it was taken to France by Joan Nicot, a Portuguese who brought if from Haiti.
Now everyone is trying to force us to discard this long history and go smoke-free! Why, I ask?
Think of all the benefits of smoking.
If we didn't smoke there would be no research done into the causes of Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Colon Cancer, Oesophageal Cancer (I like the sound of that one), acute myeloid leukaemia, cancer of the cervix, the pancreas, the kidneys and the stomach. Abdominal aortic aneurysm, cataracts, peritonitis and pneumonia.
We wouldn't get any new knowledge into these deadly diseases, that will kill ONE BILLION SMOKERS by the year 2099, and not only that, think of all those poor scientists out of work and trying to get jobs driving taxis. There will be so many taxis there won't be room for private cars.
What's worse, imagine the amount of carbon monoxide and other greenhouse gasses that come out of those taxis.
No, I say, smoking may be killing us like flies, but it is essential for full employment and to slow the effects of Global Warming and Climate Change.
It is also essential to the economy. It's 2007 and western economies are thriving. Everybody is making a pile of money so what difference does it make if you smoke one measly pack of cigarettes a day? I mean, that's only about $5,475 a year. Chicken-feed at today's wage rates. Personally, I never even notice it's gone.
I'd only waste it on something else, like a skiing holiday, a fast car, a younger woman. I think that I'd best take up smoking again, this is starting to look quite dangerous!
It's also important for us to remember that we have a government to support. How could we ever hope to keep our politicians in the luxurious manner to which they are accustomed without paying around 80% of the price of a packet of ghaspers in tax? Each year the smokers of the developed countries of the world are contributing $4,380 each in taxes to help keep these great economies running. This is a worthy and noble effort and should be applauded and encouraged. It should not have draconian restrictions put upon it.
Smoking is to be banned in bars, restaurants and clubs. Great! More people out of work and even more taxis on the roads! Not that there will be any need for them because the smokers will all stay home and drink themselves into a stupor in a smoke filled hovel moaning about not being able to go out and get drunk because they can't smoke in the pub. There will be hundreds of taxis lined up outside empty bars at three in the morning, with taxi drivers in lab coats and chef's hats leaning against them having a smoke.
In the UK all the Curry Houses will be closed, Australia's Pizza Joints will be gaping empty barns at 2am and, in the US, well, you may as well turn the streetlights out at 10pm!
This is not where we should be heading in the 21st century. After all, Doesn't everyone have the right to die?
Of course they do. If you smokers out there want to kill yourselves, horribly, let me be the first one to encourage you to do so.
Take no notice of the "do-gooders" who are trying to get us all driving taxis. You just KEEP ON PUFFING.
For the weaklings amongst you who decide that you need more taxis on the roads, you can just go and look long and hard at CLICK GRUMPY
Sad though it may be, it WILL help you to stop smoking. Don't worry, though, there will be more than enough smokers to keep the medical fraternity occupied for a long time to come.
Right, that's me out of here. Could someone call me a taxi?